Loss and Lost

How do you navigate one of the hardest things a woman in her childbearing years can go through? What’s worse is when she already has an existing perinatal mood disorder.

2 months ago I had a miscarriage. (Trigger warning here for those who don’t want to read further. You have been warned!)

The pregnancy was a surprise, it wasn’t planned, but it was on of those Happy Accidents as Bob Ross would say. I’m not on birth control as my medical history doesn’t allow it, and we screwed up with condoms and pulling out, and well yeah. I’ll save you all the gritty details because we all know how babies are made. We were excited. Scared off our tits. But excited. I got in contact with all of my medical team from the last time around, referrals were written, appointments made and attended. Diclectin started right away, maxeran couldn’t be started as there was a severe reaction between that and one of the mood stabilizers I was on so we decided that my mood was more important than treating severe morning sickness that hadn’t yet shown itself to be a problem at that stage. Blood thinners were side lined until we started seeing a repeating pattern from my first pregnancy. We proceeded cautiously but conservatively.

Then the unthinkable happened. Just after my intake appointment with the OB in town I started having light, but red (fresh) bleeding. No clots, no pain, just light bleeding. 6 weeks pregnant and I remembered something similar with Mister J’s pregnancy. So I wasn’t overly worried. I figured I’d just over done it over that week and working and being a mom. I woke up the next morning and bleeding had gotten worse. Due to being an Rh negative blood type, any kind of sustained bleeding means I MUST go to the hospital and get a shot called Rhogam just in case my blood and the fetus’ blood mix. It can be fatal to myself and/or the baby or if the pregnancy continues, the fetus could have some serious health issues.

We went in, ultrasounds happened and we were told things looked good, baby was where “he” needed to be, so not ectopic, and there was a heartbeat! All good signs, especially since we had thought we were much earlier than what typically produces a heartbeat! We got the shot, a note saying off work and not to lift anything heavy for a week, would follow up in a week to continue to monitor things. If anything changed, come right back in – clots, heavier bleeding, or pain.

Almost 24 hours from our release the unthinkable happened. The cramping and clots started. It was to the point I literally couldn’t talk through the cramping. We went back in, staying in agony the whole hospital stay – which was nearly 8 hours. They never gave me ANYTHING until they were about to release me, and then they gave me 2 extra strength tylenol, and a prescription for ONE FUCKING DAY worth of Morphine. It was 2am when we got home. There’s no fucking pharmacy open at 2 am. I had no pain management for a full day. This didn’t even cover my physical pain, let alone my emotional pain. Long story short, we had follow ups and confirmed baby had passed. We were put on a plan via an OB and things are good for me physically.

Emotionally I am, and have remained destroyed. It’s been 2 months almost to the day when things happened. I am still broken and think about all the what if’s. At this point, we would be preparing to find out the gender of the baby and starting to plan a nursery and if we were having a little boy or girl and probably rocking the maternity fashion since second pregnancies usually result in showing sooner. Instead, here I sit with no one in my belly, and a piece of my heart missing.

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